Help, I'm alive

I tremble. They're gonna eat me alive - if I stumble. Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer? - Metric, "Help I'm Alive"

My confidence in teaching is.... nil right now.

I haven't been working for three weeks and today was going to be my first day back... but I made myself so nervous / anxious about teaching that I canceled. So instead, I spent the day doing NOTHING and feeling sorry for myself. Definitely NOT the attitude I should have.

I think I'm just scared of going back to a classroom and getting eaten alive and not being able to hack it. I feel like a rubbish teacher and I felt that if I went in the morning then the children would see I had no confidence and destroy me. So that was my reasoning for flaking out this morning.... So I should have taken this day off and gone to a museum or something. Instead I haven't left my room. I'm in a rut. Feeling pathetic about flaking out this morning and mad at myself for letting my consultant down. I had SUCH a good weekend too!!! Went out for dinner and saw Wicked (AMAZING) on friday with Monica. Then on Saturday we went to Oxford with Jen and toured around (saw the Harry potter dining hall!) and then Jen and I went to Jen's town Fleet to party with her boyfriend and his friends. Thennnnn the amazing gold medal game at a bar near St. Paul's called "The Albion" with Kyle and his friends and a bazillion other Canadian ex-pats. Great weekend, but shitty shitty day today.

I just need to get out of this funk I'm in. Monica suggested movies and dinner tonight so hopefully that'll work.